On a recent trip to Florida I spent a lot of time thinking about what it would be like to live there again. I miss Florida more than I ever thought I would. I miss having family and long standing friends close by.
I wanted to give myself another semester of classes and life in the city to really think things through before making a decision whether to stay or go. The lease on my apartment matures at the end of July and my lovely house mates are all going in different directions. The landlord was unwilling to extend the lease short term. Either we sign for another year or move. None of us want to be tied to a year lease and the crisis began.
What do I do??? Stay in the city and find a short term lease? Find random people to live here with me in the same flat?? Go home? Wait a semester to figure things out??
The more I thought about it the more it made sense to go home once the lease matures. I did not want to find random house mates. I also did not want to be tied to a legally binding document for a year. The thought of spending any more time feeling the way I do here made me anxious and uneasy. I knew in my heart that the decision had to be made and the situation with the lease catalyzed it all and set it in fast forward. I am moving home to Florida after my summer travels. My time is up here, its game over for now......
A year and a half ago I packed up my life and loaded it into a Honda Accord. All the clothes and books that would fit, 2 bikes on the rack, my beloved canine companion, and my dear friend Reese who volunteered to accompany me for the journey. We hit the road and headed 3,006 miles West in pursuit of my California dream.
Since I was a young child I wanted to move west. California had always captivated me. My desire to live somewhere more progressive, eco-conscious, liberal, socially aware, and beautiful lead me to the great city of San Francisco. When I came to visit in December 2009 I fell madly in love with the city. I knew instantly that it was a place I wanted to live. I decided without any doubts in my heart or mind that I wanted to move to San Francisco and start from scratch.
I wanted the challenge of moving somewhere completly unfamiliar and novel. I did not have a job, nor did I know ANYONE in the city. I was full of optimism, faith, hope, and determination. I built a community, met lots of wonderful people, made new friends, got involved in volunteer work, learned my way around, found work, attended college, moved with friends to a beautiful flat in my favorite neighborhood, lived without a car, learned the public transit lines, assimilated to the city culture, pursued a dream, experienced tremendous personal growth, and gained infinite wisdom. I cultivated what I call my "liberal life skills" that I will take with me wherever I go. I learned what is truly important to me, and what is not.
The beginning was a typical honeymoon stage. I was madly in love. It was bliss. It was so exciting and invigorating to have moved somewhere so new, so different, so far away from everyone and everything that I knew. Once the novelty wore off and reality settled in the challenges arose. I took them in stride and adjusted quite well. Homesickness slithered in. At first in short bursts, then in waves, and eventually it consumed me. Thoughts of family, old friends, warm weather, and nostalgia for the past engulfed my mind. I was physically in one place and emotionally elsewhere. It felt as if I was hollow.
The emptiness of living thousands of miles from loved ones crept in and took over. I continued going to networking events, out on dates, meeting people, volunteering, socializing, and putting myself out there. Albeit, the exhaustion of the struggles I faced having moved the way I did lead me to think about moving back to Florida. The new friendships I have made in this new place (though they are great) do not compare to the friendships I have at home, (many of them with over a decade of history).
Not enough friends in the world could ever fill the role of family. I found myself daydreaming and fantasizing about life in Florida in the same way I daydreamed and fantasized about life in California (while I was living in Florida). I envisioned myself at the beach with friends, having lunch with family on a whim, tan and warm, happy and relaxed. The irony of it made me laugh.
Such a decision is a difficult one to make. Picking up my life and moving it thousands of miles is not an easy task. I want to be sure it is the right decision to make. Though how do we ever know what the "right" decision is to make in our lives? How do we define what is "right" or "wrong" for our lives? On a recent trip home a friend advised me that a conversation, a moment, a feeling, an experience would unfold and make the decision clear.
Sure enough it happened. I was speaking with a dear friend of mine whose advice I highly respect. I sat cross-legged on the floor of her bedroom as we discussed my dilemma. She posed the question "Why are you in San Francisco?" I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I stared blankly for some time. "I can tell you why I moved here." But that was not the question. My friend reminded me the question was "Why do you live here?" It hung in the air, with a palpable heaviness. It was a profound moment of clarity. I could come up with dozens of reasons why I would live in Florida, but I could not come up with any concrete reasons for living in San Francisco.
It is sad and feels very much like a breakup. There are so many things I love about the city. There are many things I will miss (and many that I will not). I am not mad at San Francisco, I am not bitter. I still love the city very much. At this point in my life it just doesn't make sense. Timing is everything. Perhaps at another time in my life it will make more sense; when I have a great career with an income that allows me to go home regularly, or maybe when family members move to the west coast. For now the feelings of isolation and distance overshadow my life here. "The grass may be greener on the other side, but it still has to be mowed" Life is not prefect in any one place, its about how you feel.
I have been asking myself "Can a person who is very close with their family and friends be happy and content living on the opposite side of the country?" I believe the answer for me is "no."
So for now I bid thee farewell my lovely San Francisco. I love you, but right now you are not right for me and I have to let you go. You will forever be in my heart and on my arm.
